In a mood-challenged world where anxiety runs high and emotional bandwidth runs low, many couples fall into a quiet pattern that feels comfortable on the surface but slowly erodes connection underneath: conflict avoidance. It is the habitual turning away from tension, swallowing disappointment, changing the subject, sipping too much or just saying “Fine” when it is not fine. In the short term it protects us from discomfort. In the long term it contributes to distance, disengagement, loss of intimacy, resentment, and an inner sense of loneliness that can live inside the most stable looking partnership. If you tend to choose silence over Honesty to keep peace, this pattern of avoidance may be damaging your relationship more than you realize. The bottom line is partners can learn the skills to embrace conflict, grow as individuals, cultivate intimacy and most of all move toward amazing relationships. It can be challenging to cultivate successful conflict resolution skills but remember the following mental health rhyme I have written. (library of congress copyright)
Break steps down into doable parts,
doesn’t matter how you feel it’s important that you start,
trust you can do way more than you think,
First step, second step, third and repeat.
Let’s look at some of the common patterns people use to avoid the challenge of sitting down and having a difficult conversation.
- procrastination-Oh I’ll do this later or we can discuss this on the weekend but then keep putting it off.
- Denial, you think I have a drinking problem, but I don’t so let’s just drop it or “we don’t need a therapist- we can solve our problems at home.”.
- Getting angry and escalating emotions so overreacting becomes an issue rather than such common problems as decreased desire, co-parenting differences, chores around the house or financial disagreement
- Joking, changing the subject or sarcasm.
- Working too much is a common way to avoid even having time for meaningful discussion
- Many people just walk out when they get frustrated rather than tolerate the discomfort that comes with disagreeing. If any of the above, are you– there is help, there is hope and it may be just a phone call away.
In my practice as a psychologist, I have seen many couples with exquisite strategies to avoid dealing with the tension of a disagreement. Below you will meet a few couples who had issues with conflict avoidance. Susan managed to avoid a difficult but potentially meaningful discussion with her husband by regressing to yelling and other defensive behavior. Her husband tried to broach the subject of her drinking, and she yelled back “If I didn’t have to do all the work I wouldn’t drink much.” You can see Susan blames her husband for her drinking when sin fact she often drinks a bottle of wine at night. Sue avoided dealing with this challenge by allowing her anger to become the issue and not her drinking. Gradually Dan began avoiding bringing up tough topics by telling himself, “We are just going to get into a fight so what’s the use.” Over time a wall of resentment went up and they stopped making love. Three years later the two were in divorce court with a custody battle with their two children when they could have avoided this by getting help early on. A major trend I see is my practice is people waiting until it is too late before getting help. Some come in after 8 years of problems and one person has largely decided on a divorce by the time they get to my office. If people get in early, many can make changes with 6-8 sessions of help. Workshops for couples can also be a good way as well as educational reading. Below are some common skills that can help you cope effectively with conflict.
KNOW YOUR FEELINGS
- One important skill is taking the time to discover what you are feeling and what is the main message you want to deliver. Some people live in their heads and may need considerable time to connect with such core feelings as sad, mad, scared, frustrated, confused, guilty, excitement or love. Keeping a journal of your feelings can help you get in touch with your emotional side… Joe was disconnected from his emotions due to growing up with an alcoholic father. It was not safe to express his feelings growing up and thus he learned to stuff his feelings. He wrote about his feelings in a journal and step by step he shared with Marcie that he felt alone and sad in their marriage and had little sexual desire for her. Of course, this was hard to share but Marcie was able to take it in as Joe expressed it in a collaborative way. A second skill is not getting distracted by a tearful or highly emotional partner.
LEARN TO CONTAIN YOUR FEELINGS
- Rose often got tearful when her husband tried to share, he was having fantasies about a woman at work. Her husband Mike wanted to get closer to Rose but did not make this clear in the beginning of the discussion… However, when Rose began crying Mike felt bad and he would think to himself “I am hurting Rose and I better hold off. The truth is Rose needed to realize she could tolerate some pain and sadness and keep an adult-to adult conversation going. It was very hard but slowly Rose learned to put her feelings on the back burner and focus on understanding Mike’s side. I suggested Rose aim to tolerate her feelings for 10 minutes (sometimes less) while she focused on listening to Mike. I teach partners in relationships how important it is for each to take turns and learn to understand their partner’s position at a deep level. Tell yourself, “I can tolerate my feelings and learn I can think and feel at the same time.” The third skill is to learn to investigate your partner’s side by being curious.
LEARN TO BE CURIOUS– NOT FURIOUS
- Many people who avoid conflict get stuck in trying to defend their side of the story and do not take turns listening. But you can learn to overcome defensive patterns by taking the time to ask questions of your partner, mirroring their thought and feelings and making sure you truly understand their side. Learn to think of yourself as a news reporter who is going to ask good questions to get to know your spouse or partner. Curiosity is a terrific couple skill as it helps you get to know your partner better.
Some examples of good questions are the following:
- How long have you been feeling this way?
- What does it mean to you when I come home late?
- Were you feeling any other feelings besides hurt?
- Are you aware of any other feelings besides anger? Many people feel more comfortable with anger when at a deeper level they are hurt or scared.
- What does it mean to you when I want to do things with my friends on the weekend?
This partner Jennifer found out that her husband felt she did not love him, which was far from the truth. Jennifer valued cultivating her friendships while John was more of an introvert and did not spend much time with others. These are just a few of the questions you might ask your partner to understand their side better.
Conflict avoidance is not a character flaw; it is a protective strategy that once made sense. But in adult relationships protection without expression becomes distance. When you learn to identify your core feelings, tolerate the heat of difficult conversations and approach your partner with genuine curiosity, something powerful shifts. Tension stops being a threat and starts becoming a doorway. Intimacy deepens not because you avoid conflict but because you move through it and clarity and courage. In a mood challenged world the couples that thrive are not the ones that never disagree. They are the ones willing to stay present, speak honestly and listen long enough to truly understand. This is how trust is built. This is how partners learn to negotiate That is how connection endures. So I challenge you to have the courage to express your truth and the courage to hear the truth from your partner. You may near some difficult things but this is how you can move forward to become the best version of you.