If you are ending a significant primary relationship with your partner, it can be valuable to meet up for a closure counseling session. This session is an opportunity to share what you will miss about your partner and share your side about why things did not work out. Avoid blaming and being judgmental but strive to compassionately share why you think things did not work out. In some cases, this meeting may not be feasible, and sending a letter may be more practical. However you cut the cake, meeting up and being authentic is a great skill in relationship therapy in Los Gatos.
To get ready for a therapy closure meeting, some couples benefit from writing an honest letter to their partner or spouse to get all their thoughts and feelings out. But they do not necessarily have to send the letter. Sometimes it’s better to write it and then tear it up. Remember, you want to want to walk away feeling good about how you have handled yourself in ending a relationship that is no longer working. Below are some strategies to move on that will help you continue to develop a strong relationship with yourself and others.
Hold onto the whole picture
It is common to focus on things you will miss about your spouse or partner, but if you are having trouble moving on, it is also important to focus on what you will not miss. Cindy and her partner, George, broke up after he continued with a pattern of not keeping his agreements over several years. Cindy decided she would rather go it alone and get out there to eventually meet someone who would be dependable in a relationship. Whenever she caught herself reflecting on George, she consciously reminded herself, “I will not miss his inability to speak up and express himself and his passive-aggressive tendencies.”
Start your day with Possibility Thinking
Like many women, Cindy found herself thinking negative thoughts about her future, thoughts like “I will never meet anyone,” “There are no good men left without any baggage,” and “Who would want to date me?” To counteract this, she started each day with Possibility Thinking. Cindy would think to herself:
- “There are lots of available men in the world, and if I get out there, there is a good chance I will meet someone.”
- “I am a talented woman, and men will want to date me.”
- “I am going to get engaged with activities I enjoy, and in the process, I get to make new social connections and friends.”
Get yourself out of the scarcity mindset by thinking objectively and positively. It can also help to tell yourself affirmations, such as:
- “I am amazing and brilliant and there are lots of opportunities in life.”
- “I am an action-oriented person, and I am going to make things happen in my life.”
- “I will get out once a week and try something new.”
These affirmations are important, as historically women have underrated and devalued themselves. Many women and men have received empowering work in Relationship Therapy in Los Gatos.
Just get moving
Like many, Cindy felt depressed and lacked energy and positivity. But she worked on putting one foot in front of the other and getting involved in some action on her to-do list. For example, she washed her car and felt good after some physical exertion. As she wiped her car dry, Cindy celebrated her accomplishment. Getting things done releases endorphins and practicing good home management makes us feel better and our environment look better.
At times, Cindy would take a gratitude walk and focus on the various things she felt grateful for. This led her to look for a hiking group to join. Research supports the importance of social connections, and Cindy felt better doing something with others. Whatever you do, do not get stuck in isolating yourself.
Train your brain!
Look at ending a relationship as an opportunity to grow into yourself. Brainstorm things you have always wanted to do such as take a French or Spanish class, get measurably fitter, play pickleball, take a trip, or sign up for a community college class that interests you. If we keep doing the same things, we stay the same; it is only when we go out of our comfort zone that we discover more of who we are and our capabilities. What about making a habit of going out of your comfort zone a tiny bit more?
Individual Counseling or Group Therapy
If you are continuing to feel sad, anxious, or mood-challenged about the breakup, you may want to try individual counseling therapy or group therapy or work with a relationship coach or a marriage counselor in Los Gatos. There are many groups and forums online where you can participate in chat rooms and virtual support groups with people who are going through the same thing you are. Additionally, there are places in Los Gatos for nurturing marriage counseling therapy.
Seek Supportive Help
It is also common to go through a period of grief if you have been in a longer-term relationship. There are stages of grief, and you may experience anger, sadness, guilt, fear, etc.; whatever you experience is alright. Some people may grieve briefly and for others, it can take months, especially among older people who have lost a spouse. However, if you find you are getting depressed or stuck in one of the stages make an appointment with your MD or a therapist or coach. You can also reach out to your mental health crisis line if you need to talk with someone quickly.
If you’re ready for a relationship closure session, reach out to connect with me. I offer relationship counseling services in Los Gatos. I’m here to help you get back to feeling empowered and create the life you deserve.